the hardest is to let go

hi.. though my heart's breaking inside.. i know i will win over this thing.. i sure will with Your help. I i can find better things to think of than these petty shits in my head.. like im always reminded of how shallow our petty arguments are. I dont wanna give him more problems. i know deep inside he's telling the truth that he loves me. but then again the bottomline is, assimilate it, learn from it and then let go.. JUST LET GO... nothing good will come out of your scumbag head whining endlessly of your past and mistakes and freakin worries about the future. Just live a little. loosen up. throw away your worries. Who knows what's gonna happen anyway so dont disappoint further yourself. Your making your own problems, that is your problem. instead of thinking for solution. Just shut up now and hope for the best. Just let go... let go...

Breather

It’s been a cloudy day for me again though the sun is so high outside. Not myself once again i guess. Feeling lonely for so long a time. Why should i permit this? I used to be so strong, positive and bright. Always too sure about myself. My plans. My future.
But guess things of the future are always governed by super natural powers. Am i become dissatisfied with my own performance lately? I was a slacker these past few days i admit. But how can i move on and get my mind going forward once again? Feeling very low.. hays what shall i do..
I shouldn’t allow this to happen. No the Lord will provide. I know He cares for me. He’s my all. I shouldn’t boxed myself with what i want but open myself freely to what He wants me to accomplish. I will rise from these challenges. I know God will find a way. Thank you for always prodding me. I love u.

just blogging

hi! its been a while since i checked my acct here.
once again, nothing so special.. to write. it's always like this. entries here whenever im bored/ down and out. just hapi knowing that i can blurt it out to you anytime i want without considering opinion of other people.

its been a long boring night for me, nothing to do. nothing to talk about, and think about. just hanging around when ur too tired of things. too taken for granted. nothing special that mesmerizes anybody.

but i know i will rise above. i will redeem myself. i will workhard. i will prove them wrong.
i will. because i know youre here for me.

smoke's getting clear

HI!!!! im so excited to write to you again,,, ive been out and unreachable these past few months.. i know i should write u often now that i have a lot of things going on..

well for one, my sister's having a baby,,, a new member of the family.. !!! i hope she's as beautiful and intelligent (naks!) as me hahahah.. pls protect my sister and the baby as she labors this afternoon. I believe in you God. In Jesus' name..

next, my bf and i are doing just fine.. i hope God continously enlighten us

im doing just ok in the office.. i know its still far-fetched to have the perfect job in this world.
im still blessed with everything i have now and God wants me to manage. I-LOVE-GOD. forgive me if my spirit sometimes becomes weak with all these challenges.

pls God bear with me a little longer. I dont know what to do with my life without you. I know this is just a test on my faith. Pls wrap me with your wisdom and loving guidance. I love u so much!

and Im back!

wla lng. just to make a blog lang. and ihinga sama ng loob ko these past few days. nga pla i have a boyfriend na. do you know who he is? cguro the fastest way to introduce him to you is.. hmmm...

well.. tell you that he's kind-hearted. pero u know he's not that sweet and protective na compared during the time he was courting me. nabawasan ba. saka factor din un...

lalo na he's working miles away from me. im trying to put my trust in our relationship. pero you can never tell. malayo sya and i cannot be by his side physically all the time whenever he needs me. bsta,at least im honest and straight. im not doing anything that would hurt his feelings. i dont know to him. even a slightest doubt laging meron yan sa long distance relationships.

but you know, sinasanay ko n din ang sarili ko na wala sya. wla sya s tabi ko. mahal ko sya, but i dont wanna get hurt again. alam mo un, umaasa ka for nothing. just like before. i thought im done with those things. hindi na ako paaasahin nino man. but here i am found myself, longing to be with the person i love. umaasa ulit. without really an assurance na kmi till the end.

of course you're hoping he's the one for you. but as long as hindi kayo kasal, minsan kasal n nga naghihiwalay pa, you can never tell. I mean love is a give and take relationship. and a pressure cooker at that. the only people who can be together are those who really love each other. pag weak kasi ang foundation.. kusang mwawala un. sana love is the root of your relationship. and love is not a joke thing. its a serious matter. there should be respect. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

i dont want people to see loneliness in my face. or khit nagwworry ako. not to show weakness to them. gusto ko lng maging optimistic. na behind thick clouds there is a silver lining. i wanna be happy all my life. khit may problema. because life is too short. i wanna spend it meanigfully.i love life. I love God. nothing can break my spirit. i was fine before dumating sya sa buhay ko. now that he's into my world, i wanted to make him feel the happiness and love in me, in my heart. if he cant find his home there, i cant stop him from leaving. you cant hold the person to stay with you unless he wants to. you can just embrace people as they come.

i hope he can find his home in me. sayang nman kung hindi. im ready to love him forever. and when i love its for real.

sna. that's the only word i can utter today. i dont know the future yet.

today, im lonely... kasi i can feel he's not that in love anymore. not like before, nung una. or maybe im just imagining things. maybe bec we're far from each other. nagaaway pa sa phone kung minsan.

people change. sna for the better nlng. sna hindi change of heart.

i love him. God knows how i love him. But only God knows what will happen. I hope God you give us strength of heart and mind to surpass every block. God i know we failed you. we made mistakes. but im willing to change. if this is what you want. I'll follow you. Just take me where you want me to lead.

Im sorry God. I hope you can forgive us once again.

hay lang

at this point i wanted to quit the job. alis na tlga ako. grabe ang narramdaman ko ngaun, sobrang depressed at worthless. cguro hindi nmn everyday masaya ka, but to feel this way at this point when im feeling so weak and lost. .

hay i need encouragement to get back to my original state. d nmn ako dating ganito e.

mahirap nga cgurong mabuhay.

hay.

unfair

Bakit ganun.. plagi nalang akong nasasaktan. Palagi akong minumulto.
Nakakainis… Wala akong magawa. Nagbubulag bulagan lang ba ako? Napakatanga ko.

OO ang sakit. ANg sakit-sakit. Walang sinabi ang ibitin kang patiwarik.

Ayoko na.

Unfair ka.

Duwag.

entry lang

binura ko yung original... partly true pero yung delivery hindi maganda.. sorry =)

confessions

im tired. from work.

but relieved at the same time. why? i dont know. after what happened.. ewan ko. i may look like a nag that night. but it wasnt my intention at all. i just wanted to make things clear between you and i. ayoko ng tumagal pa lalo. i;ve suffered enough. waiting in vain. without any assurance. im not saying i need a commitment. i just wanted him to make some efforts naman to know if he's really serious with it.

hindi naman because i showed my feelings to you, i wore my heart on my sleeve, wla ka nang gagawin to win me. dahil ba i showed my feelings too early. i told him, that eversince i've been honest and frank with him. because im serious with it. ewan ko ba. it's not my nature to show my feelings to a man. its never my manner even before. mabe it's a factor that i've known him for quite a long time na at school and that i knew he's a fine man. dont get me wrong, he is still. it's just maybe he's not yet ready for it. i just thought, unfair naman sakin if im waiting for him, hanging. then ska lang pag ok na sya.. yung ganon ba. hay nakakaloka.

kaya i took the risk of confessing na din to him. i treat him as a friend. we're friends naman. and as a friend i wanted to respect that he's not yet ready and i wanted to save our friendship from my confusions. ayoko ng dumating sa point na magkasakitaan at magkasumbatan. whch shouldnt happen. in fairness to him, he's not making paasa naman. im just the one worried na im preventing him from doing what he wants with his life or with anything, without commitment to anybody. maybe he wants his life back. with his career. his usual social life. or other social stuffs. like his barkada. his time for himself without a feeling of 'nasasakal'. time with his family, maybe? whatever it is.

yun na nga eh. whatever it is. dahil hindi naman tlga sya nagsasabi sakin about the real reason. he just said sorry because there were busy times lang daw tlga. i know that. i know, ryt? i understand, ok. ganun tlga with his profession. but then again, cno bang hindi busy? if the person is important to you, you make few times with her. im not saying regularly. just few times. wla bang sabado't linggo na free ka? wla bang holidays and special occasions na hindi ka busy? i may sound too demanding pero i dont really think so. kasi wla pa ngang instances na nagkasama kami so how can you say i demanded so much. i would be demanding kung may ginawa ka na tapos i still need more.

ok, he texts me. its an effort. but my goodness.. 19 months puro text? nsa abroad ba ako? i mean, he could spare some time and ask me out just to see me. im not asking for a date, my gosh. i dont need extravagance. i just want to sit down with him and talk about things. about us. i wont snare him, promise. i wont even force him na maging kami. or gawin mo to, gawin mo yan or win me. we can even talk of things not related to relationships if he wants.

its not my nature na mamilit ng tao kung ayaw nya lalo na when it comes to relationships. kung ayaw mo, just say so. bsta sabihin mo kasi mahina kung minsan ang pick up ko. hindi ko maiintindihan kung tahimik ka lang. kung hindi mo sasabihin. hindi ako magaling sa pakiramdaman. pero open ako. dont be afraid to say what you think. i may not agree with you but i would still respect it. i would still listen to it.

ang gusto ko lang sabihin mo. sabihin mo kung ayaw mo nalang talga sa akin. na may mali na sa nangyayari. na we shouldnt continue. bka nahihiya ka lang sabihin sakin, kaya i took the risk to open the idea. yes, i felt something's wrong. that's why i decided. i told him, wlang 3rd party. it's true. God knows may mga nagpaparamdam. but im firm when i said wala.

hindi ko na tuloy alam what went wrong. hindi nga tlga cguro meant or hindi pa ngaun.

in the end, im still here as your friend. you can count on that.

Another simple one

I make simple poems

I make poems, once in a while....


Monstrous

What if I were a bird
will you doubt my nature
fleeting long distance
whenever I have the chance?

What if I were a bird
liberally wild and free
will you give me freedom
to fly so high from dusk till dawn
across land and sea
till my heart is skinned
and head is whirled
of which my return is always a mystery?

Will you imprison me
lock me up inside this cold, empty confinement
Bind me near to you
Tie me close to your heart
make me feel its every beat
embrace me,
till my vertebrate breaks
for it was your way
of showing how much you love me?

But you cannot choose, can you?
Because neither is sweet nor bearable.
because you so loved me
that making me happy is all that you want to see
yet can never let me free, you never let me free.
You fear, I might forget.
Oh yes, it was fear ever since.
Fear that you might lose me
you who have tamed me.

But have you given a thought
that one day I might find a way
to break these chains, to flee away?
I never wanted to hurt you from the beginning,
but I had to.
I had to before I die with your own potion

I cared about you, believe me
From a distance I look back
And remember the two of us
The passage that leads to your door.

But the door leads to a room full of hate.
The door was shut for the longest time
It was dark and empty
It gives me an eerie sight of you
You became the ghost
that hunts me in my dreams
I longed for that fateful morning
For someone to come and save me

I wanted to help you
Believe me.
But how will I when you took my life from me?
You molded me according to you
It was a forceful act
I never liked it.
All of me now
Was a shadow of you.

You hurt me
Again and again
I bleed
Again and again
You shook me to the ends of the world.

That fateful day came
When you wanted more than you wished for
You destroyed my wings. Finally.
You lied when you said it was love
It was revenge than love, I know.
I could no longer fly
I was numb I could not breathe.

I remember shouting over and over
as hard as I could
No angel could save me from you.
No one came.

I wanted to look in the mirror
To see if my reflections were the same
But I was afraid what to find out
I know I was never the same.
From a young and beautiful bird
To a scary and monstrous creature
It terrifies me
It gives me tremor
As the days go by.

Who could still love
a bird
With nothing but scars?
A monster.
My own company.
The monster you have created
was me.

spare time

Arghh.. Natutukso na kong magtext. Pigilan nyo ko! hahaha....

Nakakatamad naman kasi ang buhay opisina... Kaw ba naman, opis - bahay lang. minsan lang nakaka-gimik. Lagi pang OT kasi late ng umuwi si bossing alangan namang unahan ko pang umuwi yun, minsan naguutos pa din sya kahit 6 or 7 pm na or minsan, gusto lang tlga nyang may company sa kanyang pagO-OT nya.

Pero masaya din ang buhay opis, on the other hand. Kasi malaki din naman ang Central Office ng DA so madaming taong nakakasalamuha, madaming ugaling kinaiinisan or kinakatuwaan. AT ang pinaka-mabigat na challenge lang sayo ay kung paano mo i-uphold ang "integrity" mo.

Pag bad, wag gayahin. Pag mabuti, ok pero be cautious.

May mga chances na magka-kasama ang mdaming dibisyon ng DA - sa mga trainings/ workshops/ seminars/ meetings/ project packaging/ team buildings. Sa breakfast, meriendas at lunch. Marami na nga akong kilala sa kanila. AT medyo mahirap din kung aalis ka, ang habang paliwanagan yon malamang.

Isa pang kinatutuwa ko din ay ang pagiging semi-independent (unlike nung nag-aaral pa ko) pag malayo ka sa bahay. Pag nag-bboarding haus ka. Ibang grupo ng tao n nman ang ksama at kasalamuha mo. Sa tatlong bahay na nag-stay ako, hindi naman ako napaaway or nakagalitan. Medyo epektib ang pagddisiplina ng nanay ko nung bata pa ako. Biruin mo, hiyawan ka ba nman ng "burara" pag nakitang nkakalat mga gamit mo after school. With matching kurot pa kung minsan.

Eh ang isa sa kritikal pag nagbboard ka, wag kang makalat at wag pakialamera sa gamit/ personal na buhay ng roommates. Pwede yung personal na buhay, magka-kwentuhan at makapagpalagayan ng loob, pero pagtagal-tagal na yon. Pag friends na tlga kayo.

Maganda din sa set-up ko dahil sumusweldo na ako. I mean, hindi naman ako laspag sa pera. Marunong na kasi akong magtipid ngaun. Yung di ko nabibili nung college, may laya na akong bilhin ngayon. Pero syempre pag nakapagtabi na ako ng pera para sa bahay. Kailangan yon.

Matipid na nga ako ngaun. Dati sa grocery, kung anong madampot cge lang. Pero dapat conscious ka sa melamine at made in china. Sabi nga nung roommate ko "bilhin mo lang kng anong kailangan mo. AT kung bibili ka, ok lang kahit mahal basta may quality."

Tama din sya. Nakkapunta din ako kung saan ko gusto ng hindi alam ng parents ko. Basta may pera ka sa bulsa. Make sure lang na ang mga kasama mo ay mapagkakatiwalaang mga tao. [Naalala ko nung nagpunta kaming majayjay.. sira tlga mga un, pero ok lang kilala ko naman mga kasama ko. hindi alam ni mama na dun ang punta ko. pero lately nalaman din nya na mga hs batchmates kasama ko. You just have to trust people. ]

AT ibang lugar na napuntahan dahil na din sa opisina. Kadalasan trainings. Within metro manila, vis and min. Masaya ang experience at medyo mature people mga kasama ko palagi. maraming insights na nakukuha sa kanila. pero wag ka, nalaman ko din na khit gano ka-mature ang tao, may kakengkoyan at kaengotan din. In general na un. Propesyonal man o hindi. Nature na ng tao. May pag ka- isip bata. Sabi nga sa linya ng kanta, "you bring out the youth in me". HAhaa..

Nakakatawa din sa opisina. Mga kakengkoyan ng boss at opismates. Pag rush hour at overloaded, mga seryoso at ramdam ang tensyon. Pag humupa na ang bagyo (hehe), papetiks-petiks nalang kami. minsan nagkkwentuhan tungkol sa buhay-buhay. ANg lovelife lang ang pinaka-iniiwasang topic hanggat maaari. Hindi naman sa ka-cornihan pero alam kong bka bumaha lang o mainggit ang karamihan.. hehehe. kasama ako sa maiinggit dont worry.

ANg nakakatawa pa, pag alam na single ka im-match ka sa mga eligibles. Ibang dibisyon, pamangkin ng boss, kakilala ng opismates, kaibigan ng roomates, etc. etc. " mabait yun, abogado yun, mag-aabroad na yun, binata yun, kilala ko magulang nun".. nakakatawa. Lalo na pag nalaman nilang wla ka pang nagiging boyfriend evah. May nagtanong pa sakin na kaibigan ko, "hindi ka ba.. alam mo na, bka naman nakakagusto ka sa kapwa babae.." Naloka ako dun. Ano ba! Bastos ka ah.. Cge pagisipan ko. Hahaha...

Minsan magkakayayaang magsine, kumain sa labas mag -circle, mag-bike, mag-pabili ng buko pie. =(

Kaya nga kung minsan attached ka na sa mga tao sa paligid mo. Pero dahil may pangarap ako, i know one day iiwan ko din ang lhat para sa isang bagay na gusto ng Dyos na sundan ko. AT yun ang mahirap. Ang magpaalam.


Every 2 weeks or every week kung minsan, umuuwi ako ng elbi (the place to be) at mag- uunwind. lahat ng pressures sa opisina pipiliting kalimutan sa sabado at linggo. Kadalasan may dala pa akong trabaho sa bahay. Pero as much as possible, yayayain ko ang ate o bunso o mama na magikot ng UPelbi. minsan sawa na sila at ayaw na kong samahan. MInsan inuuto ko nalang bunso kong kapatid na ibibili ng ice cream sa grove para lang samahan pa ako. Nakakamiss ang buhay istudyante..

Hay eto n naman ako, day dreaming,,, pero hindi man ako nakasali sa mga orgs watevah, masaya ang college life ko. Masaya ang mga klase namin, ang batchmates ko, majormates mga technician sa agro-hort-soils bldg., at mga tambay doon na naging kaibigan ko, kahit yung mga tindero at tindera sa agro. Mga classmates na hanggang ngayon may koneksyon pa din even after we took board exam.

Yun lang, mahirap mag-wala sa sarili mong bayan, ika nga. Hindi naman ako pwedeng makitang nakikipag-inuman/ discobar-an o lampungan (as if?) sa kalawakan ng elbi dhil may makakakilala sakin na pwedeng ikatapos ng buhay college ko pag nagalit ang ma-dear. Sasabihin non, "kababae mong tao!".. conservative pa din sya.

Yun ang buhay ko as of now, pero once in a while, naiisip kong mag-upgrade. Maliban sa mga libro at sudo ku (at cellphone, hehe) na kapiling ko tuwing gabi i felt the need to study, tutal malapit lang nman ang updiliman. ANg problema lang, nagttrabaho ako. cguro open u na nga lang, i must inquire pla. llalagay ko sa agenda notebook ko.

Minsan isang araw, nag-apply ako sa DOST, udyok na din ng college batchmate ko. Sabi ko 'envi science kaya?'.. Pero human eco or sociology or psychology tlga yung interest ko sa ngaun.. cguro blessing na din na hindi ako nakapunta sa interview ng DOST after the tiresome completion of requirements (na nag-leave pa ako sa opisina), dahil napatapat na may week-long training kami sa monte vista. Nalungkot ako at tumawag sa DOST na hindi ako makakapunta. Sabi ko sa 2nd batch of interviewees nalang ako. Sabi nya wla na ytang iniskedule for 2nd batch kasi visayas at mindanao na ang sunod.

Nalungkot ako dahil sayang naman mga recommendation letters ng tatlo kong professors, impressive pa naman mga nakasulat... haha. Kinontak ko tlga s sir namuco (adviser, hort prof), sir comia (soil science prof) at sir butchor espino (hort prof at the same time national director for gma hvcc program of DA)... Wala lang, nanghinayang lang ako. Hindi ko lang pwedeng iwan yung training noon kasi facilitator ako. At biglaan din namang tinext ng DOST.

Hay, but sabi nga , every thing will come in God's perfect time. Ang taong impatient daw ganito mag dasal, "God pls give me patience... ANd I want it now!"

Patience is a virtue.

Of course you need to act, pero God has the last say so make peace with Him. Love Him.

ANg haba na ng blog ko.. next time nlang cguro.

Have a nice day =)

All Mixed up

Hay.. im down again. I dont know why im still here.
Lost. Lost. Lost.

Im doing my duties in the office but not whole-heartedly. I still need to search for that "something" which will give me self-fulfillment in every way before I get acclimatized and used to things i dislike at first. I dont wanna come to a point where i would regret every single thing that i thought i better did.

I heard once that if you want to change something in your life, get off of your feet, you're not a tree with feet stuck beneath the ground anyway.

Im willing to sail off and change things for myself. Yes I am. Im just holding back because i still have obligations in the office/family. I dont wanna fail my parents above all things, and think that i am being selfish for sailing off. Dont get me wrong, i get all the support from my family when i need it. Only, Im at the stage right now of returning the favor to them. SO i really have to put my urge to sail off (im calling it a sail off cause i still am not quite sure what exactly it is that i want) at the backseat for the meantime.

Further, before i get out of here, i need a clear path first. A direction - where i really want to be and what i really want to become.

SO help me God.

Please help me God.

Surgeons do not cry

Arghh!!! I was like crazy last night reading a great bookmemoir about the life of a doctor and his working environment. Was crying and laughing and grinning like crazy.. =)

One fateful day, my hs batchmate sent a txt msg asking if i can check out this book in stores as he allegedly thought i was a "mall person" here in qc. As if! I am close to hating malls noh.. Im broke everytime i go out of malls. Eh kasi ang mahal na ng bilihin ngaun. If not for national bookstores (im allergic to fullybooked and powerhouse books- more expensive!) and some shopping lists for my survival, it's still far better to go to Circle watching butterflies (if there's still one) and people go biking. But he's kinda right, i do go to malls because there's no place to go to on weekends other than Circle and UPDiliman.

With all my indulgence, he even made me try to look for the book at UP Press. When he's decided, he wouldnt let you go that easy. I'd admit, i thought this pesky batchmate is pestering me. He gave me a little background about the book and convinced me that, well yeah, id be doing a saintly deed if i get that book for him as he is the aspiring to be a doctor here. Well i thought, maybe this book is really something so out of my busy schedule in the office i searched for the UP press contact no. in the morning and went to the UPbookstore in the afternoon after lunch. I repeat, im just doing him a favor. Dont give any color to that. The nerve of that man!

I texted him that the book is ready for pick up. I didnt bother him to pay me, he told me he's broke, he couldnt pay me right away, so there's no point in trying, insinuating and insulting. But i do insult him once in a while when i get a chance naman (hehe). With all his wiles via text, he once again convinced me to hand it to our common friend so he can pick it up easily. how demanding. But he thanked me anyway. You know naman me, when i do good things to other whether it's a boy or a girl, a companion or not, i feel good inside. it's just my nature. i can be teary-eyed after doing good deeds to other. It sometimes pesters me knowing im getting a bit emotional when i do it. but i love this thing about me anyway. im proud of it also.

But before i give it to him, i decided to read it per his suggestion. ANd i was not disappointed at all. Being a journal kindofa book it was, i enjoyed every part of it . i learned how pinas looked like in the eyes of doctors back then and even in the martial law regime, and his love and care for UPPGH, among others. I mean, i like memoirs of course.***

It was such an inspiring book. Though im not a medical student or aspiring to become one, it was written in a comprehensive way for the sake of those who might be allergic to medical lingo in general.

Im sure you'll like this too.

Check "Surgeons do not cry" by Ting Tiongco.


***I was reading a memoir book also a few months ago entitled "blue notebooks" set in 1800s. It is about a beautiful notorious courtesan who committed all the sins in the world (as she said it) except murder and robbery. But through her ups and downs, round and round, she finally saw the light. the time for change, it's harder of course to come out from a putrid mud once you are so dipped beneath it. But nothing is impossible with God, and so she changed. Not just an ordinary change. She worked in a missionary. She went to places of obscene and poverty-striken communities, to medical missions and health service. She even entered the nunnery. And died serving there. She confessed to a priest and as her last will asked favor from the priest to publish her diary/journals that she kept since her tender age. He kept his promise. The priest as stated in the book said that he published the book without the intention in mind to line her up as candidate for becoming a saint, but with all his reverence to Liane de Pougy's journey as a nun and a daughter of God, this is not impossible at all he said.

Uwian na (6:47pm)

Lord,

Thank you for this wonderful day. The day has ended meaningfully through your grace.
How happy I am to serve you! I know i had a hard day today, but without Your loving wisdom it will not make any sense at all.
Tomorrow is another day, not too late to profess my faith and love for you. Strengthen me and shower me hope so I may lead a glorious life.

Thank you once again. Guide me as I go home tonight. AMen.

Donna =)

A "love-ly" blog

What a tiresome task it is.. to wait for something so blurry and uncertain. Is it worth keeping?

IM exhausted but being the person of strong will and positivity, well, I might let a little depression moment take place but i wont allow these worries to stand in the way - to shatter my spirit.

I know i will get hurt. I know i have to wait. and i know that i should learn to just let it go when the person is not anymore into you no matter how you are into that person.

I just cant hide the fact that i am hurting just to think of all the words being said, but not done. Never thought that his feelings will soon all wane.

I dont know if im just imagining things.. But to be frank, i reckon you're not serious with it. sorry, but that's just how i feel. I was under the impression that it is love. That's what you were trying to say to me before all of these befall right?.. It's hard to convince myself now.. Because if it is love, there must be an act of love.

Well, so much for that lonely moments, I just wanna give a lecture here if you'd allow me to, anyway this is my blog. . (grinning)

If you love a person, you spend time with the person. You wouldnt say, "I'll find time" but "I will make time with him/her". You are more than glad to spend every minute with him/her and wouldnt mind how long you spent time with him/her even in total silence. It sounds corny of course, but this is a matter of fact. This isnt just a baseless observation. Of course there will be boring times. But just look at old couples around who survived different tests in their marriage through time, including the "boring times" in their relationship. I wouldnt want to contest to that.

Ok, but many relationships lasted for a few years or so. How about that?
Well, they mistook love to purely just a feeling. But true love isnt just a feeling. It is an action. (you might heard this a thousand times before. but believe me this is true).

True love starts when the "love" feeling expires - and that you are still willing to do acts of love for the person even after the realization that the feeling subsides. That is true love. If you really love the person, you wouldnt base your love on the intensity of your feelings in the moment. Because feelings just like flame will soon subside.

Im not saying that love as a feeling is unimportant. Of course, love as a feeling is also an essential spice in every relationship, but it is not the solid foundation of strong relationships. I repeat love is not a feeling but an action.

The purest definition of love for me is...
It is the act of extending yourself for the spiritual growth of the other person. You do things that would make him a better person. You support each other without vested selfish interests. You support the person as much as you can because you yourself believe this will help him grow into a magnanimous person than the first time you found him/her.

However, avoid losing yourself or personal identity in the process. You too are a person needing support. This is a two-way process, make this clear to yourself. There are so much martyrs in this world, and you are not qualified (kidding). A person full of love inside can only give love to others. You should be the first person who loves you. Respect and love yourself.

Then what makes a loving person?
A loving person is doing and willing to do good things for others out of love and generosity. ANd i tell this to a lot of people, you first have to overhaul your perspectives about love before you seek a person to love. And before you seek a deserving person to love, you have to be the person who is deserving first. You need to be prepared emotionally and psychologically, first and foremost, before entering into a commitment.

And why am I talking of commitment here?

Well when you are truly loving a person, you wanted to give him/her the assurance of your intentness and sincerity- you wanted to commit yourself to the person that you will love him/her for as long as you both live. That's where commitment comes in.

I firmly believe, unlike many, that commitment is a good thing. It builds stronger relationships. It is the most wonderful gift a loving person can give to profess his love.

But fear of rejection and ego boundaries would often make your deciding difficult. Why? Because fear and ego give you wrong concept about commitment. They will horribly give you a picture of how limited your working environment would be when you are committed, which should not be the case . Because as I have said, if a person truly loves you, he/she will do things that would lead you to your spiritual growth (when I say spiritual it doesnt necessarily mean religious). It is a mixture of, among other things, respect and self-discipline. Therefore true love is disciplined.

Hay, there's so much about love that remains to be a mystery. One thing I know for sure is that it takes a great effort to maintain and sustain a loving and healthy relationship. But history has taught us that it really wasnt impossible. ANd it is worth all the effort. It is rewarding - more than you could ever hoped for.

So love with all your heart and find meaning in your relationship.

I wish you true love annd happiness.

eheads sa kanto

I so love e-heads!!! Cant get enough of them, ika nga. Sa kanto everytime mapapadaan ako bandang 8-9pm from work laging nagpapatugtog ng e-heads hits yung nagtitinda ng bbq at isaw… ANg lakas lakas akala cguro nya bingi mga tao sa katabi nyang establishments (resto at barber shop)

Ang saya ko pag ganun, tinatagalan ko ang hakbang para lang matapos ko yung songs nila. Hehe. Kung tutuusin kadalasan sa mga songs na yun ay palasak na dahil na-mainstream via radio naman way back (Alapaap, Ligaya, Minsan etc) at lagi ko din namang napapakinggan sa mp3 player at cd collection ko (nagrereklamo na nga nanay ko kung minsan). Pero iba pa din ang feeling pag nadidinig mong pinapatugtog ng ibang tao, which means madami pa din kayong uma-appreciate sa forever ultraelectromagnetic band na ito.

Bakit ganun, I felt like a proud mother whenever I hear their songs as if lahat ng dumadaan gusto kong sabihan, hey listen, that’s eheads dude…

Dahil sa litsiryang reunion concert na yan.. umaasa na naman tuloy ako na mababalik ang eheads phenomenon the way it used to be in 90’s… hay….

Ano ba… grow up na sabi…

Hay, sana may reunion concert part 2! Of course, fully recovered na sana si Ely at ready to rock the house by that time. I wasn’t able to see the 8-30-8 concert na yun. Naiinis ako!!

Sa December daw? Sana! Sana!


“A little lovin’ and some fruit to bake
Life is a piece of cake” (Fruitcake, Eheads)

Book Review - Scott Peck's TRLT

The Road Less Traveled - Scott Peck


This is the book I will always cherish for as long as I live. I am grateful to my psychology teacher in college, for making this part of the required reading materials in class. He only instructed us to read the part of the book about “ the psychology of love”. Surprised because compared to other books that discuss love, the way peck discussed it was not in a mushy or feel good manner. He discussed it the way love should be known, no gimmick and all. Just the truth about love and falling in love and everything in between.
The psychological explanation why human being wants and longs to be loved and to love which is a quest that we thought we all know about, but not. We thought we all have, but haven’t. We thought we can get by just giving, but do not know how.

Though it is a quest, unnecessarily tedious one, it is comprehensible and achievable.

Because I like what I read about this chapter of the book, I pursued on searching the book even after graduation to read the whole chapters and wasn’t disappointed at all by doing so. I love every bit of insight it instills to me.

I also like how he discussed the self-discipline- the underlying concepts, reasons and factors that trigger the human behavior. I am currently reading that part whenever I have time in the evening. The last chapters of the book are about culture, spirituality and religion. SO far, so good.

I recommend this to you. A very nice and generously written experiences contained in a single book.

Falling apart

Im tired of this set up. Believe me, one more faint mistake and Im gone.

Im fed up. . Why do i have to feel this now? All the while I thought you'll understand me somehow. You just cant read me.

JUst be honest to yourself for pete's sake.

I think im falling apart.

that hurts

I really felt bad this time of the day. after reading "that", who wouldn't be? I felt a deep stab on the chest, my heart was broken.

I never heard such a worst allegation in my entire life.