confessions

im tired. from work.

but relieved at the same time. why? i dont know. after what happened.. ewan ko. i may look like a nag that night. but it wasnt my intention at all. i just wanted to make things clear between you and i. ayoko ng tumagal pa lalo. i;ve suffered enough. waiting in vain. without any assurance. im not saying i need a commitment. i just wanted him to make some efforts naman to know if he's really serious with it.

hindi naman because i showed my feelings to you, i wore my heart on my sleeve, wla ka nang gagawin to win me. dahil ba i showed my feelings too early. i told him, that eversince i've been honest and frank with him. because im serious with it. ewan ko ba. it's not my nature to show my feelings to a man. its never my manner even before. mabe it's a factor that i've known him for quite a long time na at school and that i knew he's a fine man. dont get me wrong, he is still. it's just maybe he's not yet ready for it. i just thought, unfair naman sakin if im waiting for him, hanging. then ska lang pag ok na sya.. yung ganon ba. hay nakakaloka.

kaya i took the risk of confessing na din to him. i treat him as a friend. we're friends naman. and as a friend i wanted to respect that he's not yet ready and i wanted to save our friendship from my confusions. ayoko ng dumating sa point na magkasakitaan at magkasumbatan. whch shouldnt happen. in fairness to him, he's not making paasa naman. im just the one worried na im preventing him from doing what he wants with his life or with anything, without commitment to anybody. maybe he wants his life back. with his career. his usual social life. or other social stuffs. like his barkada. his time for himself without a feeling of 'nasasakal'. time with his family, maybe? whatever it is.

yun na nga eh. whatever it is. dahil hindi naman tlga sya nagsasabi sakin about the real reason. he just said sorry because there were busy times lang daw tlga. i know that. i know, ryt? i understand, ok. ganun tlga with his profession. but then again, cno bang hindi busy? if the person is important to you, you make few times with her. im not saying regularly. just few times. wla bang sabado't linggo na free ka? wla bang holidays and special occasions na hindi ka busy? i may sound too demanding pero i dont really think so. kasi wla pa ngang instances na nagkasama kami so how can you say i demanded so much. i would be demanding kung may ginawa ka na tapos i still need more.

ok, he texts me. its an effort. but my goodness.. 19 months puro text? nsa abroad ba ako? i mean, he could spare some time and ask me out just to see me. im not asking for a date, my gosh. i dont need extravagance. i just want to sit down with him and talk about things. about us. i wont snare him, promise. i wont even force him na maging kami. or gawin mo to, gawin mo yan or win me. we can even talk of things not related to relationships if he wants.

its not my nature na mamilit ng tao kung ayaw nya lalo na when it comes to relationships. kung ayaw mo, just say so. bsta sabihin mo kasi mahina kung minsan ang pick up ko. hindi ko maiintindihan kung tahimik ka lang. kung hindi mo sasabihin. hindi ako magaling sa pakiramdaman. pero open ako. dont be afraid to say what you think. i may not agree with you but i would still respect it. i would still listen to it.

ang gusto ko lang sabihin mo. sabihin mo kung ayaw mo nalang talga sa akin. na may mali na sa nangyayari. na we shouldnt continue. bka nahihiya ka lang sabihin sakin, kaya i took the risk to open the idea. yes, i felt something's wrong. that's why i decided. i told him, wlang 3rd party. it's true. God knows may mga nagpaparamdam. but im firm when i said wala.

hindi ko na tuloy alam what went wrong. hindi nga tlga cguro meant or hindi pa ngaun.

in the end, im still here as your friend. you can count on that.