entry lang

binura ko yung original... partly true pero yung delivery hindi maganda.. sorry =)

confessions

im tired. from work.

but relieved at the same time. why? i dont know. after what happened.. ewan ko. i may look like a nag that night. but it wasnt my intention at all. i just wanted to make things clear between you and i. ayoko ng tumagal pa lalo. i;ve suffered enough. waiting in vain. without any assurance. im not saying i need a commitment. i just wanted him to make some efforts naman to know if he's really serious with it.

hindi naman because i showed my feelings to you, i wore my heart on my sleeve, wla ka nang gagawin to win me. dahil ba i showed my feelings too early. i told him, that eversince i've been honest and frank with him. because im serious with it. ewan ko ba. it's not my nature to show my feelings to a man. its never my manner even before. mabe it's a factor that i've known him for quite a long time na at school and that i knew he's a fine man. dont get me wrong, he is still. it's just maybe he's not yet ready for it. i just thought, unfair naman sakin if im waiting for him, hanging. then ska lang pag ok na sya.. yung ganon ba. hay nakakaloka.

kaya i took the risk of confessing na din to him. i treat him as a friend. we're friends naman. and as a friend i wanted to respect that he's not yet ready and i wanted to save our friendship from my confusions. ayoko ng dumating sa point na magkasakitaan at magkasumbatan. whch shouldnt happen. in fairness to him, he's not making paasa naman. im just the one worried na im preventing him from doing what he wants with his life or with anything, without commitment to anybody. maybe he wants his life back. with his career. his usual social life. or other social stuffs. like his barkada. his time for himself without a feeling of 'nasasakal'. time with his family, maybe? whatever it is.

yun na nga eh. whatever it is. dahil hindi naman tlga sya nagsasabi sakin about the real reason. he just said sorry because there were busy times lang daw tlga. i know that. i know, ryt? i understand, ok. ganun tlga with his profession. but then again, cno bang hindi busy? if the person is important to you, you make few times with her. im not saying regularly. just few times. wla bang sabado't linggo na free ka? wla bang holidays and special occasions na hindi ka busy? i may sound too demanding pero i dont really think so. kasi wla pa ngang instances na nagkasama kami so how can you say i demanded so much. i would be demanding kung may ginawa ka na tapos i still need more.

ok, he texts me. its an effort. but my goodness.. 19 months puro text? nsa abroad ba ako? i mean, he could spare some time and ask me out just to see me. im not asking for a date, my gosh. i dont need extravagance. i just want to sit down with him and talk about things. about us. i wont snare him, promise. i wont even force him na maging kami. or gawin mo to, gawin mo yan or win me. we can even talk of things not related to relationships if he wants.

its not my nature na mamilit ng tao kung ayaw nya lalo na when it comes to relationships. kung ayaw mo, just say so. bsta sabihin mo kasi mahina kung minsan ang pick up ko. hindi ko maiintindihan kung tahimik ka lang. kung hindi mo sasabihin. hindi ako magaling sa pakiramdaman. pero open ako. dont be afraid to say what you think. i may not agree with you but i would still respect it. i would still listen to it.

ang gusto ko lang sabihin mo. sabihin mo kung ayaw mo nalang talga sa akin. na may mali na sa nangyayari. na we shouldnt continue. bka nahihiya ka lang sabihin sakin, kaya i took the risk to open the idea. yes, i felt something's wrong. that's why i decided. i told him, wlang 3rd party. it's true. God knows may mga nagpaparamdam. but im firm when i said wala.

hindi ko na tuloy alam what went wrong. hindi nga tlga cguro meant or hindi pa ngaun.

in the end, im still here as your friend. you can count on that.

Another simple one

I make simple poems

I make poems, once in a while....


Monstrous

What if I were a bird
will you doubt my nature
fleeting long distance
whenever I have the chance?

What if I were a bird
liberally wild and free
will you give me freedom
to fly so high from dusk till dawn
across land and sea
till my heart is skinned
and head is whirled
of which my return is always a mystery?

Will you imprison me
lock me up inside this cold, empty confinement
Bind me near to you
Tie me close to your heart
make me feel its every beat
embrace me,
till my vertebrate breaks
for it was your way
of showing how much you love me?

But you cannot choose, can you?
Because neither is sweet nor bearable.
because you so loved me
that making me happy is all that you want to see
yet can never let me free, you never let me free.
You fear, I might forget.
Oh yes, it was fear ever since.
Fear that you might lose me
you who have tamed me.

But have you given a thought
that one day I might find a way
to break these chains, to flee away?
I never wanted to hurt you from the beginning,
but I had to.
I had to before I die with your own potion

I cared about you, believe me
From a distance I look back
And remember the two of us
The passage that leads to your door.

But the door leads to a room full of hate.
The door was shut for the longest time
It was dark and empty
It gives me an eerie sight of you
You became the ghost
that hunts me in my dreams
I longed for that fateful morning
For someone to come and save me

I wanted to help you
Believe me.
But how will I when you took my life from me?
You molded me according to you
It was a forceful act
I never liked it.
All of me now
Was a shadow of you.

You hurt me
Again and again
I bleed
Again and again
You shook me to the ends of the world.

That fateful day came
When you wanted more than you wished for
You destroyed my wings. Finally.
You lied when you said it was love
It was revenge than love, I know.
I could no longer fly
I was numb I could not breathe.

I remember shouting over and over
as hard as I could
No angel could save me from you.
No one came.

I wanted to look in the mirror
To see if my reflections were the same
But I was afraid what to find out
I know I was never the same.
From a young and beautiful bird
To a scary and monstrous creature
It terrifies me
It gives me tremor
As the days go by.

Who could still love
a bird
With nothing but scars?
A monster.
My own company.
The monster you have created
was me.