the hardest is to let go

hi.. though my heart's breaking inside.. i know i will win over this thing.. i sure will with Your help. I i can find better things to think of than these petty shits in my head.. like im always reminded of how shallow our petty arguments are. I dont wanna give him more problems. i know deep inside he's telling the truth that he loves me. but then again the bottomline is, assimilate it, learn from it and then let go.. JUST LET GO... nothing good will come out of your scumbag head whining endlessly of your past and mistakes and freakin worries about the future. Just live a little. loosen up. throw away your worries. Who knows what's gonna happen anyway so dont disappoint further yourself. Your making your own problems, that is your problem. instead of thinking for solution. Just shut up now and hope for the best. Just let go... let go...

Breather

It’s been a cloudy day for me again though the sun is so high outside. Not myself once again i guess. Feeling lonely for so long a time. Why should i permit this? I used to be so strong, positive and bright. Always too sure about myself. My plans. My future.
But guess things of the future are always governed by super natural powers. Am i become dissatisfied with my own performance lately? I was a slacker these past few days i admit. But how can i move on and get my mind going forward once again? Feeling very low.. hays what shall i do..
I shouldn’t allow this to happen. No the Lord will provide. I know He cares for me. He’s my all. I shouldn’t boxed myself with what i want but open myself freely to what He wants me to accomplish. I will rise from these challenges. I know God will find a way. Thank you for always prodding me. I love u.

just blogging

hi! its been a while since i checked my acct here.
once again, nothing so special.. to write. it's always like this. entries here whenever im bored/ down and out. just hapi knowing that i can blurt it out to you anytime i want without considering opinion of other people.

its been a long boring night for me, nothing to do. nothing to talk about, and think about. just hanging around when ur too tired of things. too taken for granted. nothing special that mesmerizes anybody.

but i know i will rise above. i will redeem myself. i will workhard. i will prove them wrong.
i will. because i know youre here for me.

smoke's getting clear

HI!!!! im so excited to write to you again,,, ive been out and unreachable these past few months.. i know i should write u often now that i have a lot of things going on..

well for one, my sister's having a baby,,, a new member of the family.. !!! i hope she's as beautiful and intelligent (naks!) as me hahahah.. pls protect my sister and the baby as she labors this afternoon. I believe in you God. In Jesus' name..

next, my bf and i are doing just fine.. i hope God continously enlighten us

im doing just ok in the office.. i know its still far-fetched to have the perfect job in this world.
im still blessed with everything i have now and God wants me to manage. I-LOVE-GOD. forgive me if my spirit sometimes becomes weak with all these challenges.

pls God bear with me a little longer. I dont know what to do with my life without you. I know this is just a test on my faith. Pls wrap me with your wisdom and loving guidance. I love u so much!

and Im back!

wla lng. just to make a blog lang. and ihinga sama ng loob ko these past few days. nga pla i have a boyfriend na. do you know who he is? cguro the fastest way to introduce him to you is.. hmmm...

well.. tell you that he's kind-hearted. pero u know he's not that sweet and protective na compared during the time he was courting me. nabawasan ba. saka factor din un...

lalo na he's working miles away from me. im trying to put my trust in our relationship. pero you can never tell. malayo sya and i cannot be by his side physically all the time whenever he needs me. bsta,at least im honest and straight. im not doing anything that would hurt his feelings. i dont know to him. even a slightest doubt laging meron yan sa long distance relationships.

but you know, sinasanay ko n din ang sarili ko na wala sya. wla sya s tabi ko. mahal ko sya, but i dont wanna get hurt again. alam mo un, umaasa ka for nothing. just like before. i thought im done with those things. hindi na ako paaasahin nino man. but here i am found myself, longing to be with the person i love. umaasa ulit. without really an assurance na kmi till the end.

of course you're hoping he's the one for you. but as long as hindi kayo kasal, minsan kasal n nga naghihiwalay pa, you can never tell. I mean love is a give and take relationship. and a pressure cooker at that. the only people who can be together are those who really love each other. pag weak kasi ang foundation.. kusang mwawala un. sana love is the root of your relationship. and love is not a joke thing. its a serious matter. there should be respect. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

i dont want people to see loneliness in my face. or khit nagwworry ako. not to show weakness to them. gusto ko lng maging optimistic. na behind thick clouds there is a silver lining. i wanna be happy all my life. khit may problema. because life is too short. i wanna spend it meanigfully.i love life. I love God. nothing can break my spirit. i was fine before dumating sya sa buhay ko. now that he's into my world, i wanted to make him feel the happiness and love in me, in my heart. if he cant find his home there, i cant stop him from leaving. you cant hold the person to stay with you unless he wants to. you can just embrace people as they come.

i hope he can find his home in me. sayang nman kung hindi. im ready to love him forever. and when i love its for real.

sna. that's the only word i can utter today. i dont know the future yet.

today, im lonely... kasi i can feel he's not that in love anymore. not like before, nung una. or maybe im just imagining things. maybe bec we're far from each other. nagaaway pa sa phone kung minsan.

people change. sna for the better nlng. sna hindi change of heart.

i love him. God knows how i love him. But only God knows what will happen. I hope God you give us strength of heart and mind to surpass every block. God i know we failed you. we made mistakes. but im willing to change. if this is what you want. I'll follow you. Just take me where you want me to lead.

Im sorry God. I hope you can forgive us once again.

hay lang

at this point i wanted to quit the job. alis na tlga ako. grabe ang narramdaman ko ngaun, sobrang depressed at worthless. cguro hindi nmn everyday masaya ka, but to feel this way at this point when im feeling so weak and lost. .

hay i need encouragement to get back to my original state. d nmn ako dating ganito e.

mahirap nga cgurong mabuhay.

hay.

unfair

Bakit ganun.. plagi nalang akong nasasaktan. Palagi akong minumulto.
Nakakainis… Wala akong magawa. Nagbubulag bulagan lang ba ako? Napakatanga ko.

OO ang sakit. ANg sakit-sakit. Walang sinabi ang ibitin kang patiwarik.

Ayoko na.

Unfair ka.

Duwag.

entry lang

binura ko yung original... partly true pero yung delivery hindi maganda.. sorry =)

confessions

im tired. from work.

but relieved at the same time. why? i dont know. after what happened.. ewan ko. i may look like a nag that night. but it wasnt my intention at all. i just wanted to make things clear between you and i. ayoko ng tumagal pa lalo. i;ve suffered enough. waiting in vain. without any assurance. im not saying i need a commitment. i just wanted him to make some efforts naman to know if he's really serious with it.

hindi naman because i showed my feelings to you, i wore my heart on my sleeve, wla ka nang gagawin to win me. dahil ba i showed my feelings too early. i told him, that eversince i've been honest and frank with him. because im serious with it. ewan ko ba. it's not my nature to show my feelings to a man. its never my manner even before. mabe it's a factor that i've known him for quite a long time na at school and that i knew he's a fine man. dont get me wrong, he is still. it's just maybe he's not yet ready for it. i just thought, unfair naman sakin if im waiting for him, hanging. then ska lang pag ok na sya.. yung ganon ba. hay nakakaloka.

kaya i took the risk of confessing na din to him. i treat him as a friend. we're friends naman. and as a friend i wanted to respect that he's not yet ready and i wanted to save our friendship from my confusions. ayoko ng dumating sa point na magkasakitaan at magkasumbatan. whch shouldnt happen. in fairness to him, he's not making paasa naman. im just the one worried na im preventing him from doing what he wants with his life or with anything, without commitment to anybody. maybe he wants his life back. with his career. his usual social life. or other social stuffs. like his barkada. his time for himself without a feeling of 'nasasakal'. time with his family, maybe? whatever it is.

yun na nga eh. whatever it is. dahil hindi naman tlga sya nagsasabi sakin about the real reason. he just said sorry because there were busy times lang daw tlga. i know that. i know, ryt? i understand, ok. ganun tlga with his profession. but then again, cno bang hindi busy? if the person is important to you, you make few times with her. im not saying regularly. just few times. wla bang sabado't linggo na free ka? wla bang holidays and special occasions na hindi ka busy? i may sound too demanding pero i dont really think so. kasi wla pa ngang instances na nagkasama kami so how can you say i demanded so much. i would be demanding kung may ginawa ka na tapos i still need more.

ok, he texts me. its an effort. but my goodness.. 19 months puro text? nsa abroad ba ako? i mean, he could spare some time and ask me out just to see me. im not asking for a date, my gosh. i dont need extravagance. i just want to sit down with him and talk about things. about us. i wont snare him, promise. i wont even force him na maging kami. or gawin mo to, gawin mo yan or win me. we can even talk of things not related to relationships if he wants.

its not my nature na mamilit ng tao kung ayaw nya lalo na when it comes to relationships. kung ayaw mo, just say so. bsta sabihin mo kasi mahina kung minsan ang pick up ko. hindi ko maiintindihan kung tahimik ka lang. kung hindi mo sasabihin. hindi ako magaling sa pakiramdaman. pero open ako. dont be afraid to say what you think. i may not agree with you but i would still respect it. i would still listen to it.

ang gusto ko lang sabihin mo. sabihin mo kung ayaw mo nalang talga sa akin. na may mali na sa nangyayari. na we shouldnt continue. bka nahihiya ka lang sabihin sakin, kaya i took the risk to open the idea. yes, i felt something's wrong. that's why i decided. i told him, wlang 3rd party. it's true. God knows may mga nagpaparamdam. but im firm when i said wala.

hindi ko na tuloy alam what went wrong. hindi nga tlga cguro meant or hindi pa ngaun.

in the end, im still here as your friend. you can count on that.

Another simple one